What a Difference a Week makes;

  (Myself Circa 2001) 

I think I need some new pictures lol 

So I have had an interesting and drama filled week, especially the past three days. Three days ago I went before a judge and got the legal name change I have wanted for 20 years. Many people are confused as to all the reason why I would want a legal name change. Well there are a great many, but I will tell you what I think is the most important to me. I believe that when we leave this world, however that happens, wherever we go; all that we take with us is our name! The name we made for ourselves and what we have done with it. What kind of people we became. What the content of our character was. What type of lives we led. Who we served. How we helped others. Most of all, what we did for God. In the end that is all that matters…our name…our name which reflects all of these things; our name that reflects how much we loved and how well we lived! Anything thing beyond our service is, it has been said… “A waste of Spirit”! 

I have been judged and condemned. I have been abused and misunderstood. None of this matters in the end however, except in what ways I allow it to change me. Will I take it and use it to enhance myself, learn lessons, and utilize those lessons to live well? Or do I allow these events and circumstances to stop me and pull me down, and dis-empower me? Do I care about the opinions of others? Have I stepped back into fear; or am I living in love, being in truth, and walking in power? Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”! I find this to be precisely the case. Do you want others to have a good opinion of you at the cost of having integrity? Or are you strong enough within yourself to stand your ground? I heard Carpe Diem a lot growing up and the older I get the more I realize how true, awesome, and profound a concept that truly is. Seize the day. Be aware however that in preparation for seizing it, and once it has been seized you will encounter resentment, jealousy, rage, and a host of other things. 

There is nothing people love to hate more than an empowered being. We make them nervous because we reflect their own fears of inadequacy, and point out their self-imposed limitations. We force them to evaluate and take a long hard look at themselves. We make them own up to their issues and take responsibility for who they are and what they do on their journey?

Marianne Williamson uttered a profound wisdom and my favorite quote of all time;

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"!

Besides getting my name change, I had dealings with someone who is very much an addict and who tried to direct attention away from themselves by sitting in judgment on me. It was almost amusing to have my life brought into question and belittled by someone who not only doesn’t really know me or anything about me, but is literally destroying their own lives through bad choices, bad behavior, and substance abuse.

To top off all of this, my egg donor or my mother as she is sometimes called lol, found out about my name change, called, and started a huge fight with me over it. I say fight but about halfway through the phone call I came to the realization and conclusion that she was trying to force me into participating in her drama and negative projections and none of it had anything to do with me whatsoever. My life is not about other people, it is my life and mine alone; and it is in-between me and my creator. The choices I make are a reflection of me and not anyone else. I suddenly found myself wondering what the woman on the other side of the phone call was missing inside of herself that she had to call me, judge, condemn, and belittle me…and worse make my life about her.

I then realized there was a reoccurring theme lol. What kind of choices do I want to make? Who do I want to be? How do I want to live? How do I want to be remembered if something were to happen to me? Notice I said how do I WANT to be remembered, and not how do I expect to be remembered by others. One of these is about personal desire, and the other is about other people outside of my own being. We can’t control how other people perceive us. We shouldn’t care about their opinions of us. We shouldn’t be so afraid and concerned about what other people think. We should be more concerned with how we see ourselves and how we believe Spirit perceives us. Other people can have their control drama issues; and you can just agree to disagree, to walk away, and to leave them to their own dramas. We can only control our actions and reactions, and how we allow ourselves to appear in front of others.

I went on with my day to help two people in various ways, and then found myself watching a show with Caroline Myss a great spiritual Truth-Sayer of our age, a metaphysical lecturer, author, and teacher, and an intuitive specializing in medical intuition. She posed several world view altering concepts that had me taking notes and really thinking about things in life. I went on then to finish a TV series I started on Netflix from several years ago called Ugly Betty. I watched the last three episodes and was left feeling a total sense of courage and hope. So now I am getting back to my dream of writing and I am also putting my house in order and organizing my life so that I can pursue my purpose and goals, and carry out my vocation and ministry more easily and with greater focus and energy.  

So what did I learn and take from the past week? I learned just how far I have come in my life’s journey. I stood my ground and stayed in my truth and my power! I am full, I am proud, and I am blessed.

In a few days I will be another year older. Usually I think about that with a sense of dread. Now I find that I don’t really care about it one way or the other. It isn’t the number of years that matters. It is what I allowed those years to mold my character to be that really matters.

I was accused today of being a liar because I didn’t give someone the full truth of something and withheld information that was my business and mine alone. Then a thought occurred to me. The more you stand in your own authentic truth, in your own path, and in your own courage, love, and integrity…the more people will try to tear you down. Stepping out of tribal power and into individual power; and then beyond into archetypal spiritual power shakes dis-empowered beings to their core. I also know that this way of being is the only path for me…at least the only right path for me. I can not be another way and I don’t want to be. I am contented and at peace with being who I am…who I really am. So not to sound egocentric or anything like that, and not to come off as sappy and naive…but…I love being me! How’s that for a power statement? Lol 

(Myself Circa 1999)