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(I tried to find pictures that represented hope to me in
some way. I asked God what I should put. He showed me these images and so I am
using them. I know people might look at the nature picture and wonder why that
image. For some reason it has always made me feel hopeful. It makes me think of
peace and joy. Both of these images do, so I am sharing them here.)
What is one supposed to feel when an estranged “parent” is
passing and all alone in a far away place?
I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling is mixed
emotions. If someone were to travel back in time and tell my childhood self
that this was happening and that his future self actually felt sorry, and felt
compassion for his abuser; my childhood self would probably scoff and walk away
indignity or maybe even break down and cry. As it is however that is some of
what I am feeling. I fully and freely forgive all that happened to me in my
childhood. I had to let it all go to find healing and some measure of peace at
the time when the healing began. It was and is a long hard road to wholeness. I
do not know if the road will ever be fully traveled, at least in this life. I
am trying though. I remember when I was a child putting a hex on the person who
is now laying dying. When I was older and trying to find healing and get myself
right with God I had to repent of that curse and ask that it be removed, and
truly forgive the man who I can my sperm donor. I can’t rightly call him father
or dad; he was never either of those things, except in the biological sense.
Yet even though I repented of the sin of cursing someone when I was a child,
that child’s curse has come to pass in every way possible. I don’t fully know
if there is a way to undo what I did. I have to trust God and the process of
life and let it run its course I guess. I also have to find a way to live with
the outcome and consequences of what I did back then and how it is manifesting
now. Perhaps he will receive a healing miracle and make a fantastic recovery.
If not I truly hope that he waits on the family to get to him that is going to
see him. I hope that he is surrounded by his spiritual allies, his soul group,
his good ancestors, and by God. I hope if he leaves this world it is not alone,
and that his house is in the best order it can be. I hope that if he has to
transition, that his journey to the next world be painless, smooth, and easy. I
hope that if he leaves the world he will leave it knowing that he was loved by
some and really feel the love he has for some. I hope that he be at peace and
find a measure of joy. I have people who are scattered around the country
praying for him. I have people sending reiki. I myself have done both. We do
not have a relationship really. We never have and never will. I made up a
healing potion for him and sent it with my Gran-Ma. Perhaps it will give him a
fighting chance. Maybe all the reiki and prayers and the potion will just help
his transition be easy. Either way I trust God with all of that. I feel that I
have done my part and do not feel called to be there given our mutual history
of…well…unease is a nice way to put it. It is because of me that several of our
family members are traveling to be with him. I had to be the galvanizing force
and I don’t really mind that, though I did find it strange that it had to be me
to get people up and moving. I even had to be the one to call all the hospitals
in his last known area and find out where he was. Perhaps it is part of the penance
I asked to participate in so long ago. Perhaps it was just an occurrence on my
personal evolutionary journey. I know not, and do not pretend to know, or
understand this strange situation.
This is one of the most personal posts I will ever write,
and one of the most honest because it is so personal. Perhaps I am just getting
old. I am definitely feeling my age right now on some level. I might even be
feeling older than what I really am, at least physically. Recently some friends
and I were discussing missing having a church and spiritual community. We
decided we wanted to start getting together in a cell group at my house on
occasion and having prayer and worship, bible study, and perhaps even hold
ritual together. I am really looking forward to that. I asked my friends where
they wanted to start and as it turns out they are wanting to start the study
and discussion in the same place that I do. We want to talk about hope. The
hope that comes from having a personal relationship with God. The hope that
comes from peace; and deepening and evolving our relationship with God. It was
said once by a great thinker that “Bidden or unbidden God is there”. I utterly
agree with that sentiment. I am blessed to always feel The Divine Presence
around me and with me. I think my hope starts with sacred listening. I recently
saw a TV. show and a movie that both spoke about how people believe that God
doesn’t talk to them anymore. And my response is this; It is not that God stopped
talking. It is just that we have stopped listening. People have become so
arrogant, stupid, and “busy” that they just don’t hear God. They don’t, won’t,
will not, and or refuse to hear or listen to God. They have no time for that
small still voice. If we could just sit and practice being quiet and still, and
listening in this the sacred manner, then perhaps we could begin to hear God
again personally and collectively. I personally speak to God all the time, and
no matter what people think, or say about it or me…God talks back to me. God
speaks. It is not always what I want to hear, but it is what I need to hear.
That gives me peace. That gives me hope.
I don’t feel like I am possibly loosing a parent. It is more
like possibly loosing a distant cousin or something. We are connected, but only
tentatively. I feel at peace with that.
I hope with all the human compassion, and agape love I can
muster for a fellow human being that I am somehow connected to, but have no
relationship with; that the man who I call my sperm donor can hear God and feel
Him. I hope he can get well if it is possible. I hope that he can know that
peace before he leaves this world and the he carries it with him into the next.
I think this is progress for me. I think this is good. I hope so anyway.
I hope also that all of you who might read this, also have
that or come to know that. Perhaps you had it once and let it go or lost it
somehow. In that case I hope you regain it. I hope that you all listen in the
sacred manner. I hope that you all enter into a deep abiding, ever evolving
loving relationship with God, with life, with Spirit! I hope that you come to
have hope. I hope that you come to know peace, and that you carry that with you
all the days of your life, and with you into the next. I hope that all this is
carried within you and within us all, and that it spreads like a brush fire to
all you encounter because they see the light in you and want it as well.
Blessed Be Most Excellent!
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