Strange Emotions Today

(I tried to find pictures that represented hope to me in some way. I asked God what I should put. He showed me these images and so I am using them. I know people might look at the nature picture and wonder why that image. For some reason it has always made me feel hopeful. It makes me think of peace and joy. Both of these images do, so I am sharing them here.) 

What is one supposed to feel when an estranged “parent” is passing and all alone in a far away place?

I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling is mixed emotions. If someone were to travel back in time and tell my childhood self that this was happening and that his future self actually felt sorry, and felt compassion for his abuser; my childhood self would probably scoff and walk away indignity or maybe even break down and cry. As it is however that is some of what I am feeling. I fully and freely forgive all that happened to me in my childhood. I had to let it all go to find healing and some measure of peace at the time when the healing began. It was and is a long hard road to wholeness. I do not know if the road will ever be fully traveled, at least in this life. I am trying though. I remember when I was a child putting a hex on the person who is now laying dying. When I was older and trying to find healing and get myself right with God I had to repent of that curse and ask that it be removed, and truly forgive the man who I can my sperm donor. I can’t rightly call him father or dad; he was never either of those things, except in the biological sense. Yet even though I repented of the sin of cursing someone when I was a child, that child’s curse has come to pass in every way possible. I don’t fully know if there is a way to undo what I did. I have to trust God and the process of life and let it run its course I guess. I also have to find a way to live with the outcome and consequences of what I did back then and how it is manifesting now. Perhaps he will receive a healing miracle and make a fantastic recovery. If not I truly hope that he waits on the family to get to him that is going to see him. I hope that he is surrounded by his spiritual allies, his soul group, his good ancestors, and by God. I hope if he leaves this world it is not alone, and that his house is in the best order it can be. I hope that if he has to transition, that his journey to the next world be painless, smooth, and easy. I hope that if he leaves the world he will leave it knowing that he was loved by some and really feel the love he has for some. I hope that he be at peace and find a measure of joy. I have people who are scattered around the country praying for him. I have people sending reiki. I myself have done both. We do not have a relationship really. We never have and never will. I made up a healing potion for him and sent it with my Gran-Ma. Perhaps it will give him a fighting chance. Maybe all the reiki and prayers and the potion will just help his transition be easy. Either way I trust God with all of that. I feel that I have done my part and do not feel called to be there given our mutual history of…well…unease is a nice way to put it. It is because of me that several of our family members are traveling to be with him. I had to be the galvanizing force and I don’t really mind that, though I did find it strange that it had to be me to get people up and moving. I even had to be the one to call all the hospitals in his last known area and find out where he was. Perhaps it is part of the penance I asked to participate in so long ago. Perhaps it was just an occurrence on my personal evolutionary journey. I know not, and do not pretend to know, or understand this strange situation.

This is one of the most personal posts I will ever write, and one of the most honest because it is so personal. Perhaps I am just getting old. I am definitely feeling my age right now on some level. I might even be feeling older than what I really am, at least physically. Recently some friends and I were discussing missing having a church and spiritual community. We decided we wanted to start getting together in a cell group at my house on occasion and having prayer and worship, bible study, and perhaps even hold ritual together. I am really looking forward to that. I asked my friends where they wanted to start and as it turns out they are wanting to start the study and discussion in the same place that I do. We want to talk about hope. The hope that comes from having a personal relationship with God. The hope that comes from peace; and deepening and evolving our relationship with God. It was said once by a great thinker that “Bidden or unbidden God is there”. I utterly agree with that sentiment. I am blessed to always feel The Divine Presence around me and with me. I think my hope starts with sacred listening. I recently saw a TV. show and a movie that both spoke about how people believe that God doesn’t talk to them anymore. And my response is this; It is not that God stopped talking. It is just that we have stopped listening. People have become so arrogant, stupid, and “busy” that they just don’t hear God. They don’t, won’t, will not, and or refuse to hear or listen to God. They have no time for that small still voice. If we could just sit and practice being quiet and still, and listening in this the sacred manner, then perhaps we could begin to hear God again personally and collectively. I personally speak to God all the time, and no matter what people think, or say about it or me…God talks back to me. God speaks. It is not always what I want to hear, but it is what I need to hear. That gives me peace. That gives me hope.

I don’t feel like I am possibly loosing a parent. It is more like possibly loosing a distant cousin or something. We are connected, but only tentatively. I feel at peace with that.

I hope with all the human compassion, and agape love I can muster for a fellow human being that I am somehow connected to, but have no relationship with; that the man who I call my sperm donor can hear God and feel Him. I hope he can get well if it is possible. I hope that he can know that peace before he leaves this world and the he carries it with him into the next. I think this is progress for me. I think this is good. I hope so anyway.

I hope also that all of you who might read this, also have that or come to know that. Perhaps you had it once and let it go or lost it somehow. In that case I hope you regain it. I hope that you all listen in the sacred manner. I hope that you all enter into a deep abiding, ever evolving loving relationship with God, with life, with Spirit! I hope that you come to have hope. I hope that you come to know peace, and that you carry that with you all the days of your life, and with you into the next. I hope that all this is carried within you and within us all, and that it spreads like a brush fire to all you encounter because they see the light in you and want it as well.

Blessed Be Most Excellent!